After my Mom calmed down, she got me involved in Courage, and, at first, I felt really
weird going to the meetings and being counseled by a priest. I hated it so much and I
hated my mom for making me go, but I still decided to put up with it. Understand one
thing: I'm not what many people would consider "religious." I have my faith in God, but
still struggle with some of the Catholic Church's teachings. Just like many teenagers, I
do not like having restrictions, especially when it comes to loving and being with someone.
I also did not and still do not like to be preached at. It took me about a year to slowly
accept Courage or at least consider it in my life.

On my 19th birthday, I came in to the Courage office really depressed and had a talk
with the loving priest, Fr. Harvey. I guess all this time, all my pain and struggles had
been building up inside and, on my 19th birthday, I just exploded with emotions. For the
first time, I let myself go and cried my feelings out, while Fr. Harvey counseled me. He
was nice and he made me feel better about things. At this time, a door in my heart opened
up a little bit. It was a small opening and yet it allowed so many feelings out, and so many
feelings in. It felt really great and, at that moment, I decided to try to make changes in
my life. I realized that God was not there to harm me, but rather guide me. I learned that
no one wanted to force the Church's teachings on me, but these teachings were there to
give me another option in life.

Joining the Courage has been great for me. It helps me deal with things more calmly, and
most of all, helps me to learn and practice self-discipline. It has given me my confidence
back, and I'm happy to be a member of Courage. Maybe one day, the door in my heart will
eventually fully open up. Until then, I can only try.

Michael, 16
          My name is Michael L. I am 16 years-old and I'm a junior in high school. I
                    live with my mother and stepfather, and my sister who is 14. I don't really
                    get along with them except I try to be very obedient and I give my sister
                    money to spend. Sometimes I take her to the movies with me.

My mother and father got divorced when I was around 5. The last time I saw my father
was at least a year ago. He does not write to us or visit us or call or send money. I try
not to be mad at him because I am learning to be like Jesus and forgive people.

I go to Church every Sunday but nobody else goes, and I say my prayers everyday and
read the bible now and the Catholic catechism. People in the online Courage group have
given me a lot of prayers and things that I can read and use to pray with, and I like them.
I am trying to memorize them.

I don't label myself "gay" but I do experience same-sex attractions. That means that I
like to look at boys and think about them, and men too. I know that it's wrong and I am
really trying not to do this anymore. I used to be impure with myself too while looking at
muscle men in pictures but I don't do that anymore either, because I know that it is a
very mortal sin. Now I'm trying to be better and be obedient to Jesus and God the Father,
and love Mary. I promised them that I would not be impure EVER again and I am keeping
my promise because I try my best to be honest and not lie.

I get lots of letters from my friends and brothers and sisters on the online Courage group.
They are so nice to me and help me. I hope that if you are young and have the same kind of
problems, you will let the good people here help you too. Thank you, and if I can help you,
please let me know. I will at least pray for you.

Anonymous, 24

                              When faced with times of temptation regarding my inclination to act
                              upon homosexual desires. I ask myself the following question: which is
                              more important...and orgasm or eternal salvation? Is this human being,
                              whom I love, yes, but who is just a human being, more important to me,
                              or is Jesus Christ who sacrificed Himself for the world more impor-
tant to me, or worth more, than an eternity with Jesus and the Blessed Mother in Heaven?
Some may consider this a crude method of arriving at a decision, but I find that forcing
myself to be blunt in these situations has saved me from the agony which would ensue had
I surrendered to my earthly desires. I know it is a very complicated struggle, one which
is confusing and painful, but the rewards for following Christ and the Church's teaching
are far greater than a sexual relationship which the Church cannot look upon with its
blessing. Hell is a very real thing, and something to constantly strive to avoid. Sins of the
flesh find more in Hell than any other sin. What a sobering thought. Find the line within
your heart. Do not cross it. The pain I have felt when separated from Christ because of
my own actions surpassed any pain I have felt from being physically separated from the
human object of my earthly affection. I know how hard and unfair this struggle seems, but
if looked upon as a Cross, and therefore as a blessing which can only bring you closer to
Jesus, the weight of the burden seems less, and eventually how you deal with it, in the right
way, will be your gift to God.

Billy,20

                 My name is Billy. I'm 20 and a junior in a Catholic University in the NYC area.
                 I experience same sex attractions and have for just about my whole life.

Personally, I think it is weird because I come from a very Catholic family. I live with my
mom and little brother who is 16. The three of us have always prayed together, and we
go to Mass at least every Sunday. My mom goes everyday and I try to go more often when
school permits. My mom taught us kids a lot more religion than we ever have learned in 
school and we all three have a great love for it and try to live it well.

My dad walked out on us when I was about 8. I think he had been unfaithful to my mom
for some time before that. We have no contact with him anymore.

I have been attracted to males, especially older ones, for as long as I remember. Sometimes,
when I was younger, I pretended that they were my father or big brother, and I would
just be happy to think that they cared about me and were part of my life. I always wanted
their approval - even the ones I would never know, like actors, athletes, models!

It seems that I was "lucky" in one sense. I was generally pretty good at sports so nobody
picked on me or called me names all through school. I hate to hear other kids get picked on.

When I was about 14, I began to masturbate. I did not know it was wrong at the time, 
though I do remember my mom giving us talks about being respectful of our bodies, etc.
Once I figured out it was sinful, I had developed quite a habit. I also coupled it with  same-
sex attraction fantasies and looking at pictures of guys. I have never acted out with another
person and hope never to do so.

I became very conflicted with the masturbation, even crying a few times after committing
it, once I knew that it was a sin. I always went to confession. Right now, since joining the
group about a month ago, I am chaste and hope to keep it that way!

The main push for me to get my act together is my sense of being important to my mom and
little brother. I have always felt like the man in the family, even though my mom would tell
me that I wasn't and didn't have to be. But I do want to be a good example to my brother.
I have not told anyone about my same-sex attractions. I do not want to hurt my mom and
brother. I bet they would be very kind about it, but I still don't want to.

But in the meantime, the people in the Courage online group have been wonderful and suppor-
tive. I am especially glad that they are so dedicated to Christ and the teachings of His 
Church. You can feel their spirituality. They have directed me to a number of readings, and
have also given me their advice and their prayers. Since I do not go to a Courage meeting
(yet), I trust the group and make it my sounding board. I look to it for wise guidance and
I hope I too can make a contribution to it.

Jen's story

                         Hi! I'm 23-years old. I've struggled with same sex attractions all my life.
                         The toughest time in my life with this struggle was when I found out I had 
                         feelings for other girls. I was fifteen at the time and thought I was falling
                         in love with my best friend "Melissa". I felt like I was a bad "gay person"
because I had these romantic thoughts and feelings about her. It wasn't easy to deal with
these feelings so I turned to masturbation, thinking I could find some relief there. All I 
found was shame and I hated myself for these actions and feelings. The teachers in my 
catechism classes in high school kept saying that masturbation was disapproved by the 
Catholic Church. I just felt more shame whenever I did this, and I felt worse knowing that I
was fantasizing about girls when I did this. I called myself "gay", and the label only made
me feel worse.

I figured there was no hope for me and that God didn't love me as much as He loved other
teenagers, who had feelings for the opposite sex. I prayed a lot at ages sixteen and seventeen,
hoping that God would take these feelings away if I prayed more. Then, I only felt that God
loved me as long as I wasn't in sin with masturbation. I prayed more, went to confession every
time I fell into masturbation, and got real involved in doing all the right Catholic things so that 
God would love me. I figured that if I could go to Church enough and get involved in Church
stuff, I would not want to masturbate and have feelings for girls. Then, I would be accepted
by God.

When I was eighteen, I had stopped being attracted so much toward "Melissa". and she moved
away. I missed her when she moved away. My attractions turned toward "Stacy", an older girl
who seemed to really care for me and had everything I wanted. She was spiritual and hetero-
sexual and seemed to make God happy because she was involved in the pro-life movement and
very active in the Church and wanted to be a Nun. I thought she was everything and that she
could be the woman who could help me feel good about myself, so I latched onto her. She 
realized that I was too attached and stopped being so loving toward me. She was more stand-
offish in her behavior. I was very hurt and felt much rejection. She moved out of my life and 
I had to let her go. I went to college after living with her and some other women for a few
months. These women were thinking of being Nuns, and I thought being a Nun would make me
happy and help me stop having same-sex feelings. It was in college that I first learned that 
there was a group called Courage, for Catholics like me, who had same-sex feelings and who
wanted to live for God. At the end of my first year in college I made my first Courage meeting. 
I learned what the twelve steps were and the five goals of Courage. I also learned that God 
loved me with my feelings and all, and that I could love myself and I didn't need to masturbate
or find a girlfriend, and that God would still love me even if I did those things. He wouldn't
love my sins, but He would still love me. I also learned that He wanted something more for me.
He was loving enough to show me compassion, give me supportive friends like me, and teach me
about how I could live chastely with these feelings and thoughts. I have found loving support:
from loving friends, a loving Church and, most of all, a loving God. I found all this in a place I
thought I would not find it. To me, that beats the "love" that is supposed to come from the
"gay" lifestyle, any day. Can I get an Amen on that? I still have struggles and sometimes I fall,
but I can get up, make amends with God and others, and keep trying to do better because Christ
is on my side.