"It's just a phase," my mother, two older sisters and I said, during my first year of high school. I was in love with the prettiest, most popular girl in school. Little did we know that this was the first of many times in my teenage life that I began to experience homosexual feelings.

During my final year of college, I couldn't take it anymore. I felt as though these homosexual feelings were just going to burst out of me one day uncontrollably. I assumed my family wouldn't understand, so I wrote anonymous note to the "gay & lesbian" club at school asking for help. Then I found out that a professor I had a crush on was bisexual. I arranged for lunch with her, and she ended up buying me a fiction lesbian novel to help me" come out".

Soon I found out about "coming out" groups in the city and began attending them regularly. I started seeing a lesbian counselor. She didn't do much but confirm my feelings. Next, I started seeing a referred female psychologist who taught at my college. She tried to push me into the lesbian lifestyle. Her exact words to me were "When are you going to stop living your life in limbo?" The "process" was taking so long with me because deep down I knew something was wrong. I knew how my family felt. I went to Church regularly and prayed for the right road to take, yet I kept seeking help in all the wrong places.

In the midst of all this, I actually met a man whom I became interested in. He was everything I could have wanted in a boyfriend, but I had to end it with him after three months because homosexual feelings kept creeping up on me. This pushed me even more into the lesbian lifestyle.

When my mother brought up religion, I would retaliate by saying there was no such thing as hell. I was spouting all of Satan's lies. I would justify my lifestyle to my sister by telling her that I could have all the fun I want and not worry about birth control or getting pregnant. I even found a nun who assured me that God didn't mind if I pursued lesbian relationships. When my conscience bothered me, I would talk to this nun who would affirm me in the path I was taking.

My family gave me an ultimatum: leave the "gay" scene or move out. I made up my mind to move out with my "girlfriend". But the Holy Spirit had other plans. I learned that the very next day one of my older sisters wanted to meet and talk with me. "Okay," I thought, "now I can really give her apiece of my mind." Deep down I was fearful and unhappy about what I was doing to my family, but still I went off to meet my sister, armed with all my pro-gay books and prepared to refute whatever she had to say. I was ready for the battle.

Things didn't happen as I had planned. My heart opened up when my sister lovingly spoke about the heart and will of God and how she and the rest of the family really loved me. She was willing to work with me, and asked that I at least give her six months to try. She said I immediately had to break off my lesbian relationships. She said I had to trust her. Surprisingly, I found myself saying "Yes" to her. I was really saying "Yes" to the Holy Spirit.

I cried that whole day. It was cold and rainy. I was an emotional mess and I knew a difficult road lay ahead of me. Yet I had never felt love poured out to me like that before. I was experiencing an inner struggle between the Holy Spirit and Satan's bondage. Later I found out that my sister had been praying for me from her heart, and she didn't even know what she had been saying. With the help of God, I ended my lesbian attachments within the next two days.

The next six months certainly were not easy, but a whole new world was opening for me. My "gay" literature was being replaced by Godly literature. I began to regularly attend prayer meetings and Bible studies. I took to listening to Christian radio and watching Catholic television. I also started attending spiritual support groups designed to help persons like myself.

There were many nights when I missed my "girlfriend" and was tempted to give in and call her. I thank the Lord that he saved me at the perfect time, before she became my "lover". He certainly knows how much suffering we need to become mature and complete, how much we can handle. It didn't help when she left a message on my answering machine, saying she missed me terribly. There were days and nights I cried and cried. One night I went out into my backyard, looked up at the sky and was pleading with God to tell me why. My sister was always there for me. I learned how to deal with temptation. Each moment of weakness made me stronger. Every event was a breakthrough. I lived on Bible quotes. Jesus surely had His grip on me.

Major aspects of my healing took place when I started saying the rosary daily, attending daily Mass, and spending time with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament as often as possible. My homosexual temptations dwindled.

I'm still friends with the guy I met over three years ago. I told him about my past and my decision to leave it behind. He was very proud of me. Heterosexual feelings are gradually starting to emerge towards him, and perhaps one day God will unite us in marriage, if He thinks I'm ready for it. It's something I now pray for.

The important thing is my commitment to a life of chastity in union with Christ. I still have temptations occasionally, but I don't let them bother me or interfere with my life, because I believe "He who has begun His good work in me will continue it until the day of Christ Jesus!"

Update:

I had an avid prayer life and I was continuing to attend daily mass and frequent the Perpetual Adoration Chapel (the Blessed Sacrament) in the late 1990’s when I developed a crush on my supervisor.  It was very hard not to, as she was patient, sweet and kind, and always made you feel like you were the most important person in the world.  She was well-liked by everyone.  It was very easy to see how one could “fall for her.”  We quickly clicked and became friends. 

It’s been a few years now that we no longer work together and since her husband passed away.  Consequently, we started hanging out more and became closer.  Since we were both unemployed and coping with emotional issues, we found much needed support and encouragement from one another.  I saw qualities in her that I didn’t recognize in myself (one of the causes of SSA), primarily strength, courageousness, and her laid-back style.  I could foresee myself falling into a dependent relationship with her.  To prevent this from happening, I made sure that I spent equal time with my other friends and didn’t see her on a weekly basis.  I recognized and accepted this as the “thorn in my flesh.”

My downfall (or blessing in disguise), came one evening while dancing at a local nightclub.  A man (wouldn’t you know it), approached us and started dancing with us not long after we started.  Finally he left but accosted us again later at the bar while we were engrossed in a conversation.  I was growing more and more agitated.  My friend, being polite as she is, started talking to him.  Much to my chagrin, he remained with us for the rest of the night.  She ended up giving him her phone number.  Needless to say, I was very distraught over this and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  I knew I was letting the situation take control of me and I had to stop it; I had to let it go. 

The first thing I did was remove the picture I had of us together from my nightstand.  It was the last thing I saw before I closed my eyes at night and the first thing I saw when I woke up in the morning.  I used to say “goodnight” to her amongst other affectionate things. I also used to make loving gestures towards it.  I knew this was very unhealthy, especially since the more you outwardly verbalize or perform an action, the more it becomes believable and real to you.  So, I confidently placed it on the other side of the room where it was much less visible.  One time when I still felt feelings for her arise after I settled into bed at night, I said wholeheartedly, “Jesus, please take these feelings away from me.” And in an instant, He did.

The next thing I did was start saying the rosary and chaplet of divine mercy again, daily, as I’d stopped committing myself to them over the past few years.  Within a few weeks, I noticed that my relationship with her began to improve. I no longer idolized her as much; I approached her more as my equal.

Yet, I still faced the struggle almost daily.  Thoughts I shouldn’t be having continued to pop into my head and I'd have to constantly stop them before they turned into fantasies. I'd just outwardly say, “Stop it, Wendy. Stop it!” Then I'd focus my thoughts on something else.  H.A.L.T. so holds true.  I am often hungry, angry, lonely (bored) or tired when the thoughts taunt me the most. Sometimes I’ll just remind myself that she is no better than I am. The most important thing to do is spend time with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, which I have to make an effort to do more often.

I thought things were going pretty well with my relationship with her until a few weeks ago when I called her one night and she wasn’t home.  When I messaged her during the day to ask her if she would be home and she didn’t reply, it made the situation even worse.   Immediately, the notion that she might be out with that “guy” from the nightclub flashed into my mind and I went into frenzy.  Just the thought of it made me nauseous.  I ranted and raved for a few hours, analyzing and venting.  My family and friends were there to support me, but I still felt like I was on the brink of insanity.  I knew it was crazy to be feeling this way!  She had every right to go out with whomever she wanted, whenever she wanted. She wasn’t doing me any injustice.  I was building the whole thing up in my mind. I knew the only person that was going to get me out of this mess was Jesus.  So by the time midnight came, I turned on the Prayer Channel and took out all my prayers and Scripture quotes that I had tucked away a few years ago.  I also read Psalm 139 (I still do every night), and a letter from God the Father telling all about His love for me.  I would like to share it with you:

  Dearest:

I love you and my love for you is eternal.  Do not look at your limitations, but look to me, I am eternal.  Do not look at your weakness, but look to me, I am Almighty.  Do not look at your sin, but trust in my mercy.

I love you now, this moment.  You are precious to me, you are worthy of esteem and I love you.  For you are the masterpiece of creation.  You are my joy.  Even if the mountains would move, my affection for you would not cease.

I have always been at your side, even when you didn’t notice, even when you didn’t feel my presence.  I was there to support you, to enlighten you.  I have been with you wherever you have gone.  Even when you rejected me, I was there to love you.

I love you. Of this you must be certain! Nothing and no one should ever let you doubt this.  I love you! Whenever you sin, do not doubt my mercy, for I love you. Whenever you are alone, I want you to know that I am on your side. I will never leave or abandon you. 

If you should have to pass through a river, I will be with you, you will not drown.  If you should have to walk through fire, the flames will not harm you; you will not be burned.

I have an assignment for you.  Many of my children are desperate because they do not know me.  They do not know I love them and that my love for them is deep.  For this reason I say to you: go amongst my people, meet as many as you can and tell each of them, “God Loves YOU now, this very moment.”

Tell them I am at their side and I will never forget them. I am counting on you. Remember if you do not tell them, many of them will despair. Tell them about my immense love; tell them about my tenderness, about my forgiveness.

I AM COUNTING ON YOU!

Signed,

GOD, YOUR FATHER

                                                            
I cried and prayed and held an 8x10 picture of the Sacred Heart for an hour.  I finally felt peaceful and more accepting of the situation.  I rested and fell asleep, assured of God’s love for me. It turned out that she wasn’t out with that guy after all.
                                                                                                                 
I just have to come to the realization now that if she ever does or when she decides to go out with anybody else, it will not affect her relationship with me.  As hard as it may be, I will be prepared with the Sword of the Spirit.  And with the help of Jesus, I will be happy for her. I pray daily for a healthy friendship as I want to continue to play out my role in her life – as “the sister she never had.”

Member Testimony: Wendy

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